It is nearly two months since I last posted but it feels so much longer. I had plans to drop by in December but the month proved to be much more challenging than I expected. I will share a little bit more about Christmas in another post over the weekend.

I have no idea really what happened to the first few weeks of January. This week I feel like I am beginning to emerge, but it is taking a lot of effort. Today is meant to be a rest day as I have been incredibly busy all week, but the urge to write has come upon me so I thought I’d put together a few posts. This is the first and hopefully a couple more will follow.

So a quick update on life as a widow. It has been nearly 10 months. I miss Robert immensely, the size and intensity of my loss is impossible to describe. Life is hard, but there are odd moments of joy and I welcome those. Laughter, beauty and friendship help recharge me, they help build resilience and they help me continue to take a day at a time.

Life this month is about sorting books, and before anyone says ooh yes I had to sort loads of books too when my parent died, or my great aunt or my next door neighbour. Unless they were an antiquarian book dealer then you probably won’t know the scale of the challenge.

First there is a 20ft shipping container filled to the roof with boxes of books, there is a corridor just about wide enough for a person to walk down but it doesn’t reach the back of the container! This is the view from the back, when I managed to reach it for the first time this week. The corridor you can see is wider than usual as I had removed quite a few boxes for the buyers to look through.

In fact this week I walked more than 5 miles carrying boxes in and out of this container, last week it was just under 4 miles and I will be doing the same again on Monday. We are not quite going round in circles, although some days it feels like it. Progress is being made and by the end of next month this container should be mostly empty of books.

The container is only half the challenge. There are also boxes and shelves of books in the garage, and then the multiple bookcases and boxes in the house. The auctioneer who is visiting this week envisages taking away between 40 to 60 large boxes of books and that won’t even be the whole collection as they are unlikely to want them all. Again though it will be progress.

When not moving and discussing books I am seeing friends, and walking lots. I found it difficult to walk in December and my daily steps outdoors dropped to an average of only 5,500 a day. This month so far I have achieved a daily average of 7,500 steps outdoors; not as good as in November but it is a step in the right direction again. It has been beautiful some days, and whilst it is still way too difficult to take out my beloved camera my phone has be able to capture a glimpse of the beauty. These were taken on a day when movement felt impossible as weather plays no part in whether or not it is a good or challenging day. Some days are just hard and grief is not linear. I will share more next week, but in the meanwhile hello to everyone and thank you for your messages.

65 thoughts

  1. Good to see a post from you. In the middle of all the daunting lonely tasks I hope you can continue to walk, capture lovely photos and share as you can. Take care of yourself. Bernie

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  3. So good to hear from you Becky! What a busy life! Of course your pictures are gorgeous and so nice to know you are still having walking adventures. My Neal used to store his academic books in boxes in his oven when I first met him. I’ll be looking forward to your updates, take care and be kind to yourself!

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  4. Lovely to see your email amongst the others Becky, I can’t imagine how hard the festive holidays would have been. The task of moving those books seems momentous, but I’m sure you will get through it.
    It’s good to see your photos and as the others have said just keep putting one foot in front of the other ❤️

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  6. Wow! So many books. At least they’re giving you good exercise. Be careful of your back with all that lifting though. Love the photos too. Take care and keep on keeping on.

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    1. hee hee ‘exercise’ exactly what one of my stepdaughters said! I am just even more in awe of Robert as he regularly did this at the height of his buying/selling days when clearing a house of books

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  8. So nice to see you posting today. Don’t worry about your steps. December and the beginning of January were dismal for me. I was lucky to walk 5000 steps a day. This week so far I’m averaging 9000 steps. Today I’m organizing my studio so that I can start painting again. So far I’ve got the art table cleared and I went through all my supplies and threw away things that had dried out. Next step is to clear the sewing table so I can make a couple of repairs. That will the a job for tomorrow. Baby steps every day add up.

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  9. Always so nice to see your e-mail notification of your posts. Wow, that is a LOT of books, Becky. I’m glad to read that they can be auctioned and sent to good homes. Keep up the walking no matter how few steps, just getting out for a change of scenery is the best medicine.

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  10. “Grief is not linear” is as wise a statement on grief as I’ve ever heard. It wells up suddenly, seemingly without reference to anything else — and that can happen dozens of years later. But time does heal. Not quickly. Incrementally. One day you realize you feel better and cry less often and have more moments of joy and sometimes, whole days which seem kind of normal, whatever that means.

    I’m glad you are well and keeping on keeping on.

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  11. First off, Becky your photos are stunningly beautiful. So glad you are still walking, that is special “you” time. 😀 😀 😀

    I knew going through the stacks and volumes of books would be hard on you. I can’t imagine the memories and grief as you walk the path you are on right now. Keep putting one step in front of you as work on this huge undertaking. As always take care of yourself first and it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with that. Much love and energy going your way.

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  12. I was so glad when your post popped up, as I’d been thinking of you a lot over the last couple of days. I think you’re doing well by the sound of it. Although dealing with Robert’s books must be daunting, it’s sometimes good to have a challenging task to do. It helps to have a change of focus, I think. I hope so. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thanks Margaret – some days it does feel good to have the task but must admit some days I feel completely overwhelmed by it all. The container is such a small part of it all – however as everyone reminds me little steps in time make big steps

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  14. Lovely to see you back! I wonder how Robert used to find books he wanted amongst these. Did he just remember what he had, do you think, or did he have a list? I am very glad you have book dealer friends of his who can help. Sending a hug.

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    1. He always said he had a good idea what was in each set of boxes by their location in container, however given it has taken days to get to some boxes and others we have yet to reach I’m not convinced!!!

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  15. Seeing a post from you on my Reader put a smile on my face and joy in my heart, Becky. I’m glad you’re making steps, literally and figuratively, back. As the saying goes, more or less, “A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” That is also literal and figurative. What a chore you have with the books and I’m sure they stir memories as well but I rejoice in those bits of joy you’re beginning to see. On a personal note, the amount of books makes me feel much better about all my boxes of books! 😉. Both times we moved, the books seemed to stick to my fingers when I tried to get rid of some. Hugs and prayer as you continue moving forward.

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  19. So good to hear from you, especially as just yesterday I was wondering how you were and how you’d coped with Christmas. Shifting those books looks like an immense challenge but I can see you’re tackling it with some strength (both physical and mental). Hang on in there and celebrate those good moments of joy, however rare.

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  20. Oh, my and I thought I had trouble with the OH and his guitars! Hope you manage to get rid of all those books soon Becky and then you can relax. Lovely to see a post from you, you are often in my thoughts.
    Jude xx

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      2. Thanks. Some days, I feel overwhelmed by it all as there are also hundreds of paintings, model trains, and 35 years’ worth of belongings, but just keep reminding myself every little bit is progress

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      4. Just a tad!!

        His girls are amazing when they are here, and we get so much done. Sadly though they cannot be here as much as they and I would like. However we are getting there, and in the meantime when it is right I do have support from Robert’s friends and my own.

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  21. Good to hear from you and very beautiful photos. Yes, books, we have too many too and I often wonder about this. Good luck and hope there is an offer to help you. My friend’s husbands specialist East European Lit books went to Poland eventually. Take care.

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