There are daily wobbles in my new life, but last Thursday was a particularly tough day for some reason, not sure what triggered the emotions but flow they did. It was hard but also cathartic. And I learnt that by listening to myself and seeking advice from others (online, in books and in person) I can breathe through these hard days.

One guide I am finding incredibly helpful is Megan Devine’s book ‘It’s OK that you’re not OK’, and I would recommend it to anyone who is supporting others in their grief or who has experienced an unexpected or deep loss themselves.

Another tip I have been given to keep a journal, at first I wasn’t sure. Then over the weekend the urge to write was strong , and so write I did and this post is just the beginning. It feels so good to write, so thank you to everyone who has suggested it to me. As you might understand I am not quite ready for the whole wide world to read every word I write, but at the same time I do find it easier to use the blog to write. So I have decided to use the option of password protect for some of my thoughts.

This way no one actually needs to read it my scribblings, they will just be sitting here for me to come back to. They will though also be available to those of you who request the password and whom I elect to share the password with! So if you see ‘Protected Post’ messages appearing over the coming weeks and months that’s the reason why.

In time I may decide to open the posts to all but for now I hope you will bear with me that there are going to be protected posts appearing here and that initially I won’t be giving access to everyone.

Thank you again to everyone for all the lovely messages and virtual hugs. It helps so much. Many of you have shared how amazing I am, and how strong, and you are all probably right! For me at least it does help when you tell me how great I am doing, so please don’t stop telling me these things. However at the same time I hope you can understand that sometimes your compliments are tough to receive. You see I don’t want to be amazing, I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be doing great – I just want my husband back.

46 thoughts

  2. I am sure everyone who calls in here to visit you virtually will want the best for you so will wholeheartedly support your choice to do whatever seems best, hour by hour.

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  3. Oh Becky I’m so sorry to read these latest posts and I feel for you. Your last sentence, ‘I just want my husband back’ is particularly moving and moved me to tears. Do whatever you have to to get through this time as only you can work out how that will be. My thoughts are winging their way to you xx

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  4. Hello again BeckyB, It is coming up to the first anniversary of my wife’s passing but I still get particularly tough days for some reason, I am not sure what triggers the emotions either but flow they do, emptying her wardrobe was bad but now sometimes a picture, a view or a glass of wine that she would have liked, maybe a comment. The one thing I want I can’t have, she has gone for good, of course the girl/woman I want back is in my mind but at the end, after a long battle with cancer she was ready to go, she would only want to be back if she was healthy and we would not want those we love to remain if they were ill or in pain, strangely perhaps that is some sort of consolation, now there are tears. It is hard but although we will never forget them it will get easier and the more positive new memories we make the better it gets. I tried to volunteer at a local hospice but found that one has to be qualified to help bereaved people in the way I envisaged, the lady I spoke to however told me that there are physiological reasons for what happens to us, the structure of our brains, the connections caused by repeated events, such as being with our partners increase and once disrupted it can take up to 2 years for the patterns to change. That does not mean that the level of pain is maintained, it eases but at the risk of repetition when the process is complete our memories are intact but we can cope better with the loss. A friend who went through this some years ago also turned to writing and getting involved in local politics and set up a bereavement group that I have been attending. She also loaned me a few pages from a document called the Grief Wheel, probably the same sort of stuff you have already read but if you would like to see it just let me know and I can send a scanned copy. Take care of yourself, stay strong.

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    1. Thinking of you at this time as you approach the first anniversary and the second year. Neither are easy.
      Take care and thank you for your kind words and support

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  5. My thoughts are with you dear Becky! I do understand loss, but no one is experiencing it the same way! So glad you are writing about your feelings. If you share it , it’s okay and if you don’t it’s also okay. Lots of hugs ❤

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  6. Whatever works Becky. And remember you don’t have to be strong all the time. Spending all day in your pjs is fine. Sending more virtual hugs your way from a very wet Cornwall ((( )))

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  7. I think you should do whatever works for you in these circumstances. I do think writing can be very cathartic and I hope it is for you. As always, wishing you all the best as you work through this.

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  9. Good for you for writing! Sending you lots of love and prayers. I know my dad wishes his wife of almost 70 years was back again, even though her passing wasn’t as unexpected as your husband’s. ❤

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  11. Glad you are finding an outlet in writing. You’ve probably seen Sheryl Sandberg on grief (I hesitate to suggest things so ignore this if it’s inappropriate and I’m putting my Size 6s in it). Her husband died just before my father in 2015 and she wrote a Facebook post which I used to help me to help Mum. It’s now the basis of a book. The things I took away were, firstly, never to ask “how are you?” which is too big and vague and hard to answer, but to ask “how are you today?” Second, she couldn’t have her husband back so Option A was not available, but she tried her best to kick the shit out of Option B. It kind of helped us. I hope today is a less wobbly day x

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  13. Nobody wants to be brave and strong in these circumstances, hon, but there aren’t many choices. Life does go on, whether you want it to or not, without him. One of my closest friends from school days is just a few steps ahead of you, and she’s being equally brave. Not because she wants to, but she has a family who want her to be happy again. I imagine that day seems a long way off for you right now, but you know that Robert would want it for you, as do we all. In the meantime it’s ok to scream and shout. In our own way we are cheering you on, and crying with you.

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  14. I so adore your last paragraph. You do want your husband back. Plain and simple.

    It is ok that you are not okay. Grieving is a normal and natural process. It can take many different forms at many different points. You may not even know what triggers you at times. Just lean on your family and friends when you can and let the wobble subside. I’m so glad you are starting to journal.

    Oh BTW Chris says that is a good book. She was a grief counselor for 11 years.

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  16. Do so hope reliving memories  is helping you dear.  Is Ellie still with you? have no password to share your memories with you.

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  18. Hi Becky, for me, your protected thoughts are your protected thoughts, and it’s perfectly fine by me if you record them this way 🙂.
    It’s helped me just to write away, although my situation is completely different (…and I just write about anything!)
    Just do what you feel and you’ll be OK. You have a lot of support here on WordPress, so use it when you feel you need to.
    Still sending virtual hugs. 🙂

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  20. What a great idea, Becky. I am glad that letting it out on paper / screen is working for you. I wouldn’t have thought of it myself. Even though I love writing.
    Well done for stepping out and looking for solutions. I would probably have curled up in a corner!
    Take care x

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  23. As you know, my daughter has been where you are now, and she found writing cathartic. She raged and swore and got her feelings out, and eventually stopped needing that particular outlet. Do go for it! And if you’re interested, you can find her now dormant, probably defunct blog at fannythechampionoftheworld.com. Hugs, as always xx

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  24. Of course you want your husband back,Becky….but you are learning how to manage in the best way you can, so well done. It will be a long journey, but you’ll have plenty of support from friends and family Sending more hugs

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  25. Hey Becky, it is lovely to see you here. I have always found writing to be cathartic, and (once upon a time), I filled copious notebooks by hand processing my thoughts while trying to overcome one hardship or another. I still have those notebooks and although it has been a long time since I revisited those periods of my life, they are my hard copy form of protected posts. Take your time and do what you need to do. I will always understand. My thoughts are with you 🥰

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